Transforming Myself to Be the Father My Kid Needed

Accepting my trans kid wasn't about changing them. It was about transforming me.

“Dad, I’m trans.”

I didn’t know it in that moment, but those three words would collide with a promise I’d made to myself years earlier — a promise to accept my kids exactly as they are.

That collision would change everything: my relationship with my kiddo, and the way I saw myself.

When one of my kiddos came out as trans, my first thoughts were of worry — about how their mom, who’d already rejected them once, might react, and how my parents, liberal in name but often judgmental, would respond. I also knew I had a lot to learn if I wanted to truly support them.

What I didn’t expect was the grief that came with letting go of the story I’d built around who I thought they’d be.

I had to unlearn what I’d been taught about gender, educate myself, and sit with my discomfort until understanding took root.

On the other side of that work, I found a deeper, clearer love — one that not only helped me stand by my kid, but helped others learn to do the same.

On the outside, I was a dad fully in his kid’s corner. What people didn’t see were the tears I cried alone, grieving the stories I had to let go of so I could better understand theirs.

To be the guide my kid needed, and the father I wanted to be, I had to listen, learn, and grow right alongside them.

Only through therapy did I learn that I needed to grieve in order to become the supportive father I wanted to be.

Until then, I didn’t understand the inner wall I kept running into — the quiet resistance beneath all my good intentions. I had to move from my head into my heart and do the work there.

That work expanded my definition of fatherhood. It helped me listen more deeply to my kiddo and, in turn, grow as a person.

When I talked with my parents, I could see things from their perspective too — and help them widen theirs. I was surprised by how supportive they became. They still make mistakes sometimes, but they’re trying, and that means everything.

Integrity has always been my highest value, and to live it fully, I had to turn it inward.

One of the biggest lessons I learned is that sometimes, to become who you want to be, you have to grieve not what was, but what might have been.

What I learned about being a good father wasn’t just about reading or researching — it was about listening to my kiddo and letting myself grieve. That trifecta — learning, listening, and healing — shaped me into the father I wanted to be, and the parent my kid needed.

I’m not sharing this to pat myself on the back, but for anyone walking that same road of confusion and love tangled together.

It’s not easy work, but it’s important work.

And on the other side of it, I found something I never expected: a relationship stronger than I could have imagined, and a love even deeper than I knew existed.